Changes in Preferences, Changes in Attitude

It's Tuesday and Lisa is coming out to California next Monday. I figuered I have to get things ready,not only for me and the surgery, but for her and Christmas. Although she is 29 years old, I am still Mom and Mom fixes Christmas. I admit that for the last few years of living alone, I have not gone nuts with decorating, but I know she will be expecting it. So, I headed out to the Mall.

I have become a destination shopper, which is so much out of character for me. I used to be the person that walked miles and miles through stores and knew the inventory so well, I could tell you just where to get what. NOT NOW! I only go to the mall with a plan and mostly shop at Ross or TJMAXX and buy what is available. When I decided to have surgery, I stopping buying clothes. It's amazing how many clothes I have and could have continued to buy, and it's a release NOT to feel the need to buy clothes right now.

I have worn White Linen by Estee Lauder for nearly 30 years and about 2 months ago, i could not stand the scent of it. I didn't know if it had "spoiled" or maybe it's just me, but it's not working anymore. This was sort of a weird thing to happen, it was like losing an old friend. But it was time for a change. The thought of standing in the middle of Macy's and trying to pick out a new one was over whelming to me. It's a feeling of being "lost".

My life had become so SET and so ROUTINE, right down to my fragrance. Heaven help me when I get into these ruts and the companies don't make the products anymore. It's like the stuff can only do with me so far on this journey and now it's time to get new traveling companions. I am learning to accept new ideas and new ways of doing things. I recoginize this as part of the change. I think everything about me and my life is changing.

I was whining about diet coke a few days ago and my friend suggested another great drink, it's not a substitute, but something ELSE. My world is expanding and I am getting out of my narrow little rut.

I am happier every day and looking forward to climbing out of this, lets see what is on the other side of the mountain. Tomorrow is exactly 1 week from the surgery.

I had my last pre-op test on Monday - a stress Echo. Now that was a treat, it's a combination of an EKG, ECHO and LA Fitness. You have to go in there wearing gym clothes and prepared to get on a threadmill. First they do an EKG, which you have to get undressed and have some electodes applied, then take those off and get re-dressed. Then you go into another room, get undressed AGAIN and lay on a table (on your Left side) and have an ECHO, then get more electrodes applied (bigger ones) and a belt thing around your waist and then get on the threadmill. They start it at 1.7 (I'm thinking, this is slow, but then the lady raises the platform), my goodness, I really HATE the threadmill, especially when it's elevated and pretty soon, i want to get off, get a drink and basically get OFF!!!!. About that time, my heart rate went up to 160 and she stopped the test. It lasted all of 4.5 minutes. Come on, 4.5 minutes! Showed me that I am so much "out of shape" and maybe, just maybe, getting a handle on my weight is a pretty good idea.

Before the test, I was sitting in the waiting room with about 6 other people, who were there for the same thing and a man says to me "lady, you are fine, you are not big, why are you getting surgery?" Heavens, i was in complete agreement with him, I did feel small compared to them. But after the test, I got on the elevator (instead of walking down the stairs) and thought about how everyone is different and it's not what we look like, but what's going on inside. My weight is causing problems with diabetes and cholesteral and there are reasons I get "winded" after only 4.5 minutes on a threadmill. I am not all that healthy. HOW can I be healthy at this weight? I am overweight and it's a REAL problem. Just because I can get plus size jeans doesn't mean it's OK to be this weight.

I am changing.

The COKE battle

It's Sunday night and I am sitting down to write a little. I like Sunday's, especially Sunday night. Our Church began to have "church" on Saturday nights and that leaves All day Sunday free, it was weird at first, but now it's so nice. It doesn't really matter when church is scheduled, after all, we are the REAL Church - it comes with me.

I am having some resistance, NO, I AM RESISTING the fact that I have to cut out Diet Coke, and Peanutbutter. Now, I think I could get past the peanutbutter, inasmuch as it tends to add to the cholesteral number. But the COKE???? It's been a life long affection and so many memories are connected to it.

I can remember my first recollection of coke; I think I was about 4 or 5 years old, in Leesburg, FL. My mom was drinking from a little 6oz bottle, it was frosty cold and she was smoking a cigarette and said how it helped cure her "sick headache". Some years passed and when I was in middle school, I had a summer of deciding between COKE or PEPSI. Most everyone was on the Pepsi kick, the bottles were bigger, but I stuck with the little green glass cokes. Of course, back then, there was no diet coke, cherry coke, or any other unique flavors. If you wanted a flavored coke, then you added it.

Do you remember TAB?? it's about the worse tasting stuff, and i actually learned how to drink the nasty stuff in the pink can. I even willingly purchased it and took it to work with me. I had to change because my favorite coke was loaded with sugar.

So, fast forward to now, Diet Coke is my drink of choice and I probably drink about 24-30oz per day. I also learned to like Bottled Water somewhere along the line and I feel so "OC" while drinking water. I feel "grown-up" while drinking coke (remembering my mom and her cigarette) I never took up smoking, it makes me gag; but the coke drinking sorta put me in the same league as mom.

So, here we are, 9 days until surgery and have to put the coke and all carbonated drinks behind me. I have to find my resolve and lay it down.

I am in the middle of the pre-op liquid diet and it's not fun at all. It's boring and it's nasty and it has a "taste". OK, so I am getting grumpy, just wait until I havn't had caffeine and see how charming I can be.

Thanks for reading, I am learning alot about me from this. k

Friday

I can finally say that I slept last night without anxiety and I am finally at peace with my decision to have WLS. (WLS weight loss surgery) I went to the pre-op class yesterday and although I think I "know everything", I am finding out that I have a hugh learning curve. I loved the class and I appreciated the kindness of the staff. I tend to make everything so BLACK and WHITE; a very dogmatic way of dealing with stuff. No, you can't eat that, No, you will NEVER have that. You MUST do it this way!!! Well, I am am learning that life is a little more kinder and I am beginning to relax in this journey back to a normal relationship with Food.

I am still being stubborn about the Diet Coke situation. I have been told that carbonated drinks are OUT, no excuses. I have to, no - I MUST stop drinking them. I realize that this is one of my last battles and it will certainly set me free in a some small way.

I realize that this is a BIG DEAL for me, leaving a lifetime of body armor, I feel the need to share my journey. As we go along, I am sure a long of garbage, trash, empty promises and white elephants will come out; and they need to come out. Thanks for reading.

Decision day for surgery

After months of thinking about it, and years of wishing for it, I have decided to "say yes" to weight loss surgery. A pretty drastic step for a medical professional, but I have the support of my doctor and my daughter and most of all, I believe that it's the best thing for me. The surgery is 12/16/09 at 4pm. I want to express myself during this journey OUT OF A BODY OF ARMOR. Believe me, extra weight is an effective way to shield yourself from the world. But I don't need it anymore. It's TIME!